Well it's over with. I did go ahead and have the last surgery. I was very surprised to wake up and find out that I had a bandage literally sewn to me. Do what!?! Quite honestly, if I had known that before, I might not have gone through with it. In total, I have 72 stitches, 8 of which are with the bandage that comes off tomorrow.
It's funny, a week ago, I felt so positive. I think a lot of it may be the weather. For those of you around here, you know what I'm talking about. For my readers from other countries, we've just had a terrible snow storm. We have 12" or more of snow on the ground, and have had -47 weather for several days. That can be very depressing, but when you add the residual pain from chemo, and the surgery, it's a lot to deal with. I've been out of the house now twice since the surgery. Public places are very scary. I feel guarded. I wish it were appropriate to walk around in public holding a pillow to the front of me. I'm so afraid someone will accidentally bump into me. I just want to heal and get back to normal. I want to go to work, sleep on my stomach, hug my grandkids, get on with life!!
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Thursday, December 26, 2013
New Beginnings for a New Year
It's been quite a while since I felt like sharing my thoughts. There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel.
The chemo is officially over. Just like the other times, this morning, 3 weeks after the treatment, I woke up with the most tremendous bone pain. I wouldn't have even tried to go to work, but I had an appointment scheduled for 9 am, so I did. I just hurt too bad to stay the whole day. It has stayed with me all day, so I took tomorrow off, too. It's not too bad though, because I know it will start to go away soon. I feel positive. I'd rather go ahead and stay home tomorrow, finish preparing for surgery, and go back to work with a fresh start. I had to go in for a blood count before work this morning, 6 am bright and early. I was the first one in the lab. I'm ready to get it over with. This was to be sure my blood counts are up enough for surgery. I feel blessed. The last time they took my count, right before the last chemo, the Dr. told me they were perfect, as if I had never even had chemo. I'm not sure what I did exactly, but I did something right!
Monday I have to go in and get marked. That's the ritual of being drawn all over with sharpee, so they don't forget where they're going to cut! My final surgery is on Tuesday. I know it seems odd, but it's a Happy New Year gift I welcome. Originally, the Dr was trying to help me get it in right at the end of the year, when my deductible and out of pocket expense was all met. Much to my surprise at work, my insurance actually switched over in the middle of December. That sent me into a state of panic! lol The Dr had already applied for pre-approval. It got very complicated, but I think it's all worked out now. I appreciate everyone's help in working it out. I'm sure they all got tired of hearing from me, but it was stressful and I needed to make sure it was all ok for my peace of mind.
In fact, things at work are falling in place and easing my mind tremendously. The surgery is the final part of the reconstruction. It had to wait until chemo was finished. It's an outpatient surgery, and hopefully, only a week off work. Doc says she will do her best not to have out in another drainage tube. (Oh God, I hope not! I hate those things. I've had 3, and I never want another!)
So I can start the new year with all the cancer treatments and surgeries behind me. I can focus on healing and starting fresh. The bills are all caught up. We had a wonderful Christmas. It was a simple Christmas, but I think that's the best kind. Everyone got a lot of homemade gifts from the garden. That was a labor of love I enjoyed. I had a lot of help, and wanted to make those special gifts before the chemo made me too sick. The kids all got toys they liked, on a simple budget. We spent a wonderful Christmas eve with friends and family. I got to see the joy and excitement in the faces of 8 precious grandchildren. That is, after all, what it's all about. That's the whole reason for the surgeries, the chemo, the radiation, and pain and nausea. It's about spending more time with them. I still have a lot to teach them, and they have a lot to teach me.
The chemo is officially over. Just like the other times, this morning, 3 weeks after the treatment, I woke up with the most tremendous bone pain. I wouldn't have even tried to go to work, but I had an appointment scheduled for 9 am, so I did. I just hurt too bad to stay the whole day. It has stayed with me all day, so I took tomorrow off, too. It's not too bad though, because I know it will start to go away soon. I feel positive. I'd rather go ahead and stay home tomorrow, finish preparing for surgery, and go back to work with a fresh start. I had to go in for a blood count before work this morning, 6 am bright and early. I was the first one in the lab. I'm ready to get it over with. This was to be sure my blood counts are up enough for surgery. I feel blessed. The last time they took my count, right before the last chemo, the Dr. told me they were perfect, as if I had never even had chemo. I'm not sure what I did exactly, but I did something right!
Monday I have to go in and get marked. That's the ritual of being drawn all over with sharpee, so they don't forget where they're going to cut! My final surgery is on Tuesday. I know it seems odd, but it's a Happy New Year gift I welcome. Originally, the Dr was trying to help me get it in right at the end of the year, when my deductible and out of pocket expense was all met. Much to my surprise at work, my insurance actually switched over in the middle of December. That sent me into a state of panic! lol The Dr had already applied for pre-approval. It got very complicated, but I think it's all worked out now. I appreciate everyone's help in working it out. I'm sure they all got tired of hearing from me, but it was stressful and I needed to make sure it was all ok for my peace of mind.
In fact, things at work are falling in place and easing my mind tremendously. The surgery is the final part of the reconstruction. It had to wait until chemo was finished. It's an outpatient surgery, and hopefully, only a week off work. Doc says she will do her best not to have out in another drainage tube. (Oh God, I hope not! I hate those things. I've had 3, and I never want another!)
So I can start the new year with all the cancer treatments and surgeries behind me. I can focus on healing and starting fresh. The bills are all caught up. We had a wonderful Christmas. It was a simple Christmas, but I think that's the best kind. Everyone got a lot of homemade gifts from the garden. That was a labor of love I enjoyed. I had a lot of help, and wanted to make those special gifts before the chemo made me too sick. The kids all got toys they liked, on a simple budget. We spent a wonderful Christmas eve with friends and family. I got to see the joy and excitement in the faces of 8 precious grandchildren. That is, after all, what it's all about. That's the whole reason for the surgeries, the chemo, the radiation, and pain and nausea. It's about spending more time with them. I still have a lot to teach them, and they have a lot to teach me.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Mammogram Worries
I had good intentions with my last post. The problem was, a few paragraphs into it, exhaustion set in and I realized how tired I really was.
So tomorrow is mammogram day. I thought that was earlier this month, it turns out they had not actually scheduled yet. After a series of troublesome calls to schedule it, it was settled on for tomorrow. It's almost a joke that it happens so often on Halloween. Some days I feel goulish enough.
So why troublesome calls, you might ask. Some of you who have been around for a while may remember me sharing my thought process as I decided whether or not to get the implant. I have a friend whose wife had breast cancer return, and they did not find it in time because it was hidden behind her implant. I had almost decided not to get one, until a conversation with my plastic surgeon who reassured me that was not a problem, and they could manipulate me around so they could see behind it. What I am told now, by the people who actually do the mammogram is that they will never do another mammo on the right side. Her words were, "Well, there's nothing there except the implant." As I told her, I beg to differ. I very distinctly remember the pain from the surgery where they took the muscle from my back, and brought it around to the front. I also remember Thelma, and how they couldn't see around hers. I also remember my breast cancer surgeon saying, "Unfortunately, cancer doesn't glow in the dark, so we can't always be sure we got it all." So how do they know there is nothing there if they don't look?!? Some women to go to lengths to avoid getting a mammogram, I want them to, and they won't. Go figure.
I may have mentioned, I've discovered that each chemo is making me sicker. I'm glad I only have 2 to go. This time around, it's mostly the exhaustion that gets me. It seems like no matter how hard you try, there is always something to get in the way of more sleep! lol
I watched a very moving video I want to share. I could so identify with this young woman and her scars. I remember those bandages. She is so amazing and positive. www.jillswish.com You can find it at the right side of my blog.
So tomorrow is mammogram day. I thought that was earlier this month, it turns out they had not actually scheduled yet. After a series of troublesome calls to schedule it, it was settled on for tomorrow. It's almost a joke that it happens so often on Halloween. Some days I feel goulish enough.
So why troublesome calls, you might ask. Some of you who have been around for a while may remember me sharing my thought process as I decided whether or not to get the implant. I have a friend whose wife had breast cancer return, and they did not find it in time because it was hidden behind her implant. I had almost decided not to get one, until a conversation with my plastic surgeon who reassured me that was not a problem, and they could manipulate me around so they could see behind it. What I am told now, by the people who actually do the mammogram is that they will never do another mammo on the right side. Her words were, "Well, there's nothing there except the implant." As I told her, I beg to differ. I very distinctly remember the pain from the surgery where they took the muscle from my back, and brought it around to the front. I also remember Thelma, and how they couldn't see around hers. I also remember my breast cancer surgeon saying, "Unfortunately, cancer doesn't glow in the dark, so we can't always be sure we got it all." So how do they know there is nothing there if they don't look?!? Some women to go to lengths to avoid getting a mammogram, I want them to, and they won't. Go figure.
I may have mentioned, I've discovered that each chemo is making me sicker. I'm glad I only have 2 to go. This time around, it's mostly the exhaustion that gets me. It seems like no matter how hard you try, there is always something to get in the way of more sleep! lol
I watched a very moving video I want to share. I could so identify with this young woman and her scars. I remember those bandages. She is so amazing and positive. www.jillswish.com You can find it at the right side of my blog.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
4 Down, 2 to go...
I know, I've been quiet lately. My first instinct has been, "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all". Let's face it, there's just not much good to say about chemo. Then I got to thinking about the whole reason for the blog. I can't help anyone else, if I'm silent.
With each treatment, I'm getting sicker. I know, that's to be expected. I've pretty much laid around all weekend, sleeping and taking pain meds for my bones. I apologize for my anti-social behavior. I haven't talked to friends, or even much to family. I just want to recuperate as much as possible before work tomorrow. I'm watching my days off as close as I can, and not taking days unless I absolutely have to. I don't feel like at this point, I'm ever going to be caught up, but I keep trying.
The good news is that my blood counts have been really good. I heard the nurse tell someone not to use metal silverware, just to use plastic, to help alleviate that metal taste from everything. It didn't work. Maybe it will work for someone else. I've pretty much put the scarves down. I still wear them to keep my head warm when I need to , but I'm just going with the bald head most of the time.
And then, there's Sharley. I wasn't going to keep her, just find her a home. Yet another dog I rescued from my ignorant neighbors. A week earlier, they wanted to get rid of her, and I had her a home. Then they changed their minds, and my daughter got another dog. Four hours later, they had changed their minds again. Some people should just never have pets. I have seen their dogs neglected, teased, left outside without food water or shelter, reported them, seen them be hit by cars, and die of preventable diseases. They put Sharley out on a stake and short chain that was always tangled. They left her in the rain for days with no shelter. At this time in my life, it's a struggle to housebreak her, and take her out on cold evenings to walk, but I think it's part of a bigger plan. It does, afterall, give me a reason to get up and go outside. She's a smart little border collie, and for now, I think she can stay.
With each treatment, I'm getting sicker. I know, that's to be expected. I've pretty much laid around all weekend, sleeping and taking pain meds for my bones. I apologize for my anti-social behavior. I haven't talked to friends, or even much to family. I just want to recuperate as much as possible before work tomorrow. I'm watching my days off as close as I can, and not taking days unless I absolutely have to. I don't feel like at this point, I'm ever going to be caught up, but I keep trying.
The good news is that my blood counts have been really good. I heard the nurse tell someone not to use metal silverware, just to use plastic, to help alleviate that metal taste from everything. It didn't work. Maybe it will work for someone else. I've pretty much put the scarves down. I still wear them to keep my head warm when I need to , but I'm just going with the bald head most of the time.
And then, there's Sharley. I wasn't going to keep her, just find her a home. Yet another dog I rescued from my ignorant neighbors. A week earlier, they wanted to get rid of her, and I had her a home. Then they changed their minds, and my daughter got another dog. Four hours later, they had changed their minds again. Some people should just never have pets. I have seen their dogs neglected, teased, left outside without food water or shelter, reported them, seen them be hit by cars, and die of preventable diseases. They put Sharley out on a stake and short chain that was always tangled. They left her in the rain for days with no shelter. At this time in my life, it's a struggle to housebreak her, and take her out on cold evenings to walk, but I think it's part of a bigger plan. It does, afterall, give me a reason to get up and go outside. She's a smart little border collie, and for now, I think she can stay.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
What a difference a day makes
Today is much better. The steroids make the pain go away for now. I'm sure it will return when they wear off. They have changed my chemo cocktail in an effort to make the rash go away. This one takes longer, so it made for a much longer day than we had planned. We were gone from 8:00 am until 5:30 p.m. Most of the same side effects will be the same, with a few new ones added. One med says it will increase my heart rate, the other says it will decrease my heart rate. I'm hoping they counteract each other. That makes sense to me. One says it will cause a lower blood pressure. Today it was 110/ 70, so let's hope it doesn't go much lower. The good news, my blood counts were great. They did an xray of my shoulder, so we should know what going on tomorrow. The benedryl is making me exhausted, so I'm about to sleep like a baby.
Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and support.
Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and support.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Positive Strength
It may sometimes seem that I am being very negative. That couldn't be less true. I am by nature, an optimist. I have learned, however, that it's not good, especially for me, to pretend everything is ok, when in fact it is not. Today was a good example of that. I've had a tremendous amount of pain in my joints this time around, especially my left shoulder. I've tried to ignore it. Obviously, that didn't work for me. I was sure it was a pulled muscle, although I've been very careful not do anything to cause that. Last night, my daughter brought it to my attention that it is my injection arm. Duh, now why didn't I think of that? As the pain got worse last night, I thought about the fact that tomorrow I'll see the Dr, and get another treatment, so why suffer through another day at work without being able to move it? Knowing how bad the chemical burns were last time, I should of realized that was probably a part of my pain this time, too. I needed to rest it.
So I stayed home, took the pain pill, and started taking the steroids again today. By this evening, a lot of the pain is gone. I've been thinking, I know the last time I got steroids mixed right in with my chemo. This time, I only take them the day before, the day of, and the day after. That explains the joint pain, and it's on my list of things to discuss with the Dr tomorrow. It's all about being observant of what's actually going on with your body, and discussing it with your Dr as things come up. If you're not honest with yourself, and your loved ones, you may not even realize that these things are connected.
I need to publicly thank my support team tonight. My friends, coworkers, and family, I love you! Thank you for all you do. Thank you to my kids. Like any mom, sometimes they get under my skin, but they have been a tremendous help. But tonight, I want to say THANK YOU RANDY!!! Thank your for understanding and patience, thank you for the laundry and yard services, the chauffeuring, the cooking and housekeeping, and the shoulder to cry on. Thank you for the pet services, and peace keeping. I love you.
So with a positive attitude, I'm ready for tomorrow. My best friend and sister are taking me for tomorrow's treatment. This is # 3, my halfway mark. I mentioned them early in my blog, but this one is those who weren't quite strong enough. This one's for Daddy, Becky, Laura May, Amanda and Ricky Gene. Please send me strength from above.
So I stayed home, took the pain pill, and started taking the steroids again today. By this evening, a lot of the pain is gone. I've been thinking, I know the last time I got steroids mixed right in with my chemo. This time, I only take them the day before, the day of, and the day after. That explains the joint pain, and it's on my list of things to discuss with the Dr tomorrow. It's all about being observant of what's actually going on with your body, and discussing it with your Dr as things come up. If you're not honest with yourself, and your loved ones, you may not even realize that these things are connected.
I need to publicly thank my support team tonight. My friends, coworkers, and family, I love you! Thank you for all you do. Thank you to my kids. Like any mom, sometimes they get under my skin, but they have been a tremendous help. But tonight, I want to say THANK YOU RANDY!!! Thank your for understanding and patience, thank you for the laundry and yard services, the chauffeuring, the cooking and housekeeping, and the shoulder to cry on. Thank you for the pet services, and peace keeping. I love you.
So with a positive attitude, I'm ready for tomorrow. My best friend and sister are taking me for tomorrow's treatment. This is # 3, my halfway mark. I mentioned them early in my blog, but this one is those who weren't quite strong enough. This one's for Daddy, Becky, Laura May, Amanda and Ricky Gene. Please send me strength from above.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Self pity party
I said from the beginning, I was going to use the blog to vent a little too. If you don't want to hear it, here's your chance to hit the red X.
So I survived our annual conference for work last week, and our river clean up event. I love conference. I always learn a lot, and there are lots of networking opportunities. However, this year was extra challenging. I really have to wonder who the scheduling genius was that put chemo woman here on the Friday schedule for an event or presentation every hour! Really??? Honestly, I wouldn't do that anyone, let alone someone with the obvious physical and mental challenges I have right now. (Yes, I said mental challenges. Chemo brain is kicking in full force.)
I have some well wishers who try to keep up with what's going on with me physically. Truly, it's just too much to explain. lol At this point, it's a long list. I feel like if I tell them even half of it, they think I must be a crazy hypochondriac.Let's see, my skin is peeling, I have chemical burns, rashes, and a lot of issues I feel are just TMI. My stomach is always upset, sometimes one way, sometimes another, but never normal. I'm exhausted, I have achy bones and joints, I have that achy flu feeling all the time. Did I mention that I am exhausted? I already lost my hair, but it still hurts. I'm losing my fingernails. I'm obviously losing my mind. Did I mention that I'm exhausted? I've developed a huge phobia of germ infested crowds of people. I probably forgot to mention that I'm exhausted. That's ok, I forget a lot due to the chemo brain. It appears I have pulled some of my new muscles, and so now I feel very much like I have cracked ribs. Yeah...fun!
I know my sisters will identify with this. I have a very "Leland" attitude right now. (My Daddy) I feel a little like most of my kids just really don't have time for their sick mamma right now. My logical side knows that's not true, but who said chemo makes you logical? Not me!
There is light at the end of the tunnel, I'm sure, I've been told. Randy says he misfigured my treatments. Originally when he looked on the calendar, he said Dec 19 would be the last one. It seems that if they continue on Thursdays, the last one will actually be Thanksgiving day. lol No, that can't be right. Somebody refigure that. I can't. It hurts my chemo brain.
So I survived our annual conference for work last week, and our river clean up event. I love conference. I always learn a lot, and there are lots of networking opportunities. However, this year was extra challenging. I really have to wonder who the scheduling genius was that put chemo woman here on the Friday schedule for an event or presentation every hour! Really??? Honestly, I wouldn't do that anyone, let alone someone with the obvious physical and mental challenges I have right now. (Yes, I said mental challenges. Chemo brain is kicking in full force.)
I have some well wishers who try to keep up with what's going on with me physically. Truly, it's just too much to explain. lol At this point, it's a long list. I feel like if I tell them even half of it, they think I must be a crazy hypochondriac.Let's see, my skin is peeling, I have chemical burns, rashes, and a lot of issues I feel are just TMI. My stomach is always upset, sometimes one way, sometimes another, but never normal. I'm exhausted, I have achy bones and joints, I have that achy flu feeling all the time. Did I mention that I am exhausted? I already lost my hair, but it still hurts. I'm losing my fingernails. I'm obviously losing my mind. Did I mention that I'm exhausted? I've developed a huge phobia of germ infested crowds of people. I probably forgot to mention that I'm exhausted. That's ok, I forget a lot due to the chemo brain. It appears I have pulled some of my new muscles, and so now I feel very much like I have cracked ribs. Yeah...fun!
I know my sisters will identify with this. I have a very "Leland" attitude right now. (My Daddy) I feel a little like most of my kids just really don't have time for their sick mamma right now. My logical side knows that's not true, but who said chemo makes you logical? Not me!
There is light at the end of the tunnel, I'm sure, I've been told. Randy says he misfigured my treatments. Originally when he looked on the calendar, he said Dec 19 would be the last one. It seems that if they continue on Thursdays, the last one will actually be Thanksgiving day. lol No, that can't be right. Somebody refigure that. I can't. It hurts my chemo brain.
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