New Beginnings for a New Year

It's been quite a while since I felt like sharing my thoughts. There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel.
The chemo is officially over. Just like the other times, this morning, 3 weeks after the treatment, I woke up with the most tremendous bone pain. I wouldn't have even tried to go to work, but I had an appointment scheduled for 9 am, so I did. I just hurt too bad to stay the whole day. It has stayed with me all day, so I took tomorrow off, too. It's not too bad though, because I know it will start to go away soon. I feel positive. I'd rather go ahead and stay home tomorrow, finish preparing for surgery, and go back to work with a fresh start. I had to go in for a blood count before work this morning, 6 am bright and early. I was the first one in the lab. I'm ready to get it over with. This was to be sure my blood counts are up enough for surgery. I feel blessed. The last time they took my count, right before the last chemo, the Dr. told me they were perfect, as if I had never even had chemo. I'm not sure what I did exactly, but I did something right!

Monday I have to go in and get marked. That's the ritual of being drawn all over with sharpee, so they don't forget where they're going to cut! My final surgery is on Tuesday. I know it seems odd, but it's a Happy New Year gift I welcome. Originally, the Dr was trying to help me get it in right at the end of the year, when my deductible and out of pocket expense was all met. Much to my surprise at work, my insurance actually switched over in the middle of December. That sent me into a state of panic! lol The Dr had already applied for pre-approval. It got very complicated, but I think it's all worked out now. I appreciate everyone's help in working it out. I'm sure they all got tired of hearing from me, but it was stressful and I needed to make sure it was all ok for my peace of mind.

In fact, things at work are falling in place and easing my mind tremendously. The surgery is the final part of the reconstruction. It had to wait until chemo was finished. It's an outpatient surgery, and hopefully, only a week off work. Doc says she will do her best not to have out in another drainage tube. (Oh God, I hope not! I hate those things. I've had 3, and I never want another!)

So I can start the new year with all the cancer treatments and surgeries behind me. I can focus on healing and starting fresh. The bills are all caught up. We had a wonderful Christmas. It was a simple Christmas, but I think that's the best kind. Everyone got a lot of homemade gifts from the garden. That was a labor of love I enjoyed. I had a lot of help, and wanted to make those special gifts before the chemo made me too sick. The kids all got toys they liked, on a simple budget. We spent a wonderful Christmas eve with friends and family. I got to see the joy and excitement in the faces of 8 precious grandchildren. That is, after all, what it's all about. That's the whole reason for the surgeries, the chemo, the radiation, and pain and nausea. It's about spending more time with them. I still have a lot to teach them, and they have a lot to teach me.

Mammogram Worries

I had good intentions with my last post. The problem was, a few paragraphs into it, exhaustion set in and I realized how tired I really was.

So tomorrow is mammogram day. I thought that was earlier this month, it turns out they had not actually scheduled yet. After a series of troublesome calls to schedule it, it was settled on for tomorrow. It's almost a joke that it happens so often on Halloween. Some days I feel goulish enough.

So why troublesome calls, you might ask. Some of you who have been around for a while may remember me sharing my thought process as I decided whether or not to get the implant. I have a friend whose wife had breast cancer return, and they did not find it in time because it was hidden behind her implant. I had almost decided not to get one, until a conversation with my plastic surgeon who reassured me that was not a problem, and they could manipulate me around so they could see behind it. What I am told now, by the people who actually do the mammogram is that they will never do another mammo on the right side. Her words were, "Well, there's nothing there except the implant." As I told her, I beg to differ. I very distinctly remember the pain from the surgery where they took the muscle from my back, and brought it around to the front. I also remember Thelma, and how they couldn't see around hers. I also remember my breast cancer surgeon saying, "Unfortunately, cancer doesn't glow in the dark, so we can't always be sure we got it all." So how do they know there is nothing there if they don't look?!? Some women to go to lengths to avoid getting a mammogram, I want them to, and they won't. Go figure.

I may have mentioned, I've discovered that each chemo is making me sicker. I'm glad I only have 2 to go. This time around, it's mostly the exhaustion that gets me. It seems like no matter how hard you try, there is always something to get in the way of more sleep! lol

I watched a very moving video I want to share. I could so identify with this young woman and her scars. I remember those bandages. She is so amazing and positive. www.jillswish.com You can find it at the right side of my blog.

4 Down, 2 to go...

I know, I've been quiet lately. My first instinct has been, "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all". Let's face it, there's just not much good to say about chemo. Then I got to thinking about the whole reason for the blog. I can't help anyone else, if I'm silent.

With each treatment, I'm getting sicker. I know, that's to be expected. I've pretty much laid around all weekend, sleeping and taking pain meds for my bones. I apologize for my anti-social behavior. I haven't talked to friends, or even much to family. I just want to recuperate as much as possible before work tomorrow. I'm watching my days off as close as I can, and not taking days unless I absolutely have to. I don't feel like at this point, I'm ever going to be caught up, but I keep trying.

The good news is that my blood counts have been really good. I heard the nurse tell someone not to use metal silverware, just to use plastic, to help alleviate that metal taste from everything. It didn't work. Maybe it will work for someone else. I've pretty much put the scarves down. I still wear them to keep my head warm when I need to , but I'm just going with the bald head most of the time.

And then, there's Sharley. I wasn't going to keep her, just find her a home. Yet another dog I rescued from my ignorant neighbors. A week earlier, they wanted to get rid of her, and I had her a home. Then they changed their minds, and my daughter got another dog. Four hours later, they had changed their minds again. Some people should just never have pets. I have seen their dogs neglected, teased, left outside without food water or shelter, reported them, seen them be hit by cars, and die of preventable diseases. They put Sharley out on a stake and short chain that was always tangled. They left her in the rain for days with no shelter. At this time in my life, it's a struggle to housebreak her, and take her out on cold evenings to walk, but I think it's part of a bigger plan. It does, afterall, give me a reason to get up and go outside. She's a smart little border collie, and for now, I think she can stay.

What a difference a day makes

Today is much better. The steroids make the pain go away for now. I'm sure it will return when they wear off. They have changed my chemo cocktail in an effort to make the rash go away. This one takes longer, so it made for a much longer day than we had planned. We were gone from 8:00 am until 5:30 p.m.  Most of the same side effects will be the same, with a few new ones added. One med says it will increase my heart rate, the other says it will decrease my heart rate. I'm hoping they counteract each other. That makes sense to me. One says it will cause a lower blood pressure. Today it was 110/ 70, so let's hope it doesn't go much lower. The good news, my blood counts were great. They did an xray of my shoulder, so we should know what going on tomorrow. The benedryl is making me exhausted, so I'm about to sleep like a baby.

Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and support.

Positive Strength

It may sometimes seem that I am being very negative. That couldn't be less true. I am by nature, an optimist. I have learned, however, that it's not good, especially for me, to pretend everything is ok, when in fact it is not. Today was a good example of that. I've had a tremendous amount of pain in my joints this time around, especially my left shoulder. I've tried to ignore it. Obviously, that didn't work for me. I was sure it was a pulled muscle, although I've been very careful not do anything to cause that. Last night, my daughter brought it to my attention that it is my injection arm. Duh, now why didn't I think of that? As the pain got worse last night, I thought about the fact that tomorrow I'll see the Dr, and get another treatment, so why suffer through another day at work without being able to move it? Knowing how bad the chemical burns were last time, I should of realized that was probably a part of my pain this time, too. I needed to rest it.

So I stayed home, took the pain pill, and started taking the steroids again today. By this evening, a lot of the pain is gone. I've been thinking, I know the last time I got steroids mixed right in with my chemo. This time, I only take them the day before, the day of, and the day after. That explains the joint pain, and it's on my list of things to discuss with the Dr tomorrow. It's all about being observant of what's actually going on with your body, and discussing it with your Dr as things come up. If you're not honest with yourself, and your loved ones, you may not even realize that these things are connected.

I need to publicly thank my support team tonight. My friends, coworkers, and family, I love you! Thank you for all you do. Thank you to my kids. Like any mom, sometimes they get under my skin, but they have been a tremendous help. But tonight, I want to say THANK YOU RANDY!!! Thank your for understanding and patience, thank you for the laundry and yard services, the chauffeuring, the cooking and housekeeping, and the shoulder to cry on. Thank you for the pet services, and peace keeping. I love you.

So with a positive attitude, I'm ready for tomorrow. My best friend and sister are taking me for tomorrow's treatment. This is # 3, my halfway mark. I mentioned them early in my blog, but this one is those who weren't quite strong enough. This one's for Daddy, Becky, Laura May, Amanda and Ricky Gene. Please send me strength from above.

Self pity party

I said from the beginning, I was going to use the blog to vent a little too. If you don't want to hear it, here's your chance to hit the red X.

So I survived our annual conference for work last week, and our river clean up event. I love conference. I always learn a lot, and there are lots of networking opportunities. However, this year was extra challenging. I really have to wonder who the scheduling genius was that put chemo woman here on the Friday schedule for an event or presentation every hour! Really???  Honestly, I wouldn't do that anyone, let alone someone with the obvious physical and mental challenges I have right now. (Yes, I said mental challenges. Chemo brain is kicking in full force.)

I have some well wishers who try to keep up with what's going on with me physically. Truly, it's just too much to explain. lol At this point, it's a long list. I feel like if I tell them even half of it, they think I must be a crazy hypochondriac.Let's see, my skin is peeling, I have chemical burns, rashes, and a lot of issues I feel are just TMI. My stomach is always upset, sometimes one way, sometimes another, but never normal. I'm exhausted, I have achy bones and joints, I have that achy flu feeling all the time. Did I mention that I am exhausted? I already lost my hair, but it still hurts. I'm losing my fingernails. I'm obviously losing my mind. Did I mention that I'm exhausted? I've developed a huge phobia of germ infested crowds of people. I probably forgot to mention that I'm exhausted. That's ok, I forget a lot due to the chemo brain. It appears I have pulled some of my new muscles, and so now I feel very much like I have cracked ribs. Yeah...fun!

I know my sisters will identify with this. I have a very "Leland" attitude right now. (My Daddy) I feel a little like most of my kids just really don't have time for their sick mamma right now. My logical side knows that's not true, but who said chemo makes you logical? Not me!

There is light at the end of the tunnel, I'm sure, I've been told. Randy says he misfigured my treatments. Originally when he looked on the calendar, he said Dec 19 would be the last one. It seems that if they continue on Thursdays, the last one will actually be Thanksgiving day. lol    No, that can't be right. Somebody refigure that. I can't. It hurts my chemo brain.

Chemo # 2

Chemo # 2 is in the morning. My brother and sister will be here around 8-8:30 am to get me, and I can't sleep. The steroids I take in preparation for chemo have me too hyped up. They make me feel jittery. I just can't rest. The only good thing about it, is it made my last good night night of not feeling too bad before the next treatment, very productive. I got a lot of canning and laundry and housework done tonight. My farmville and now my blog are caught up. lol  I'm hoping my blood count is high enough that I can get the chemo. If not, it will push my finish date past Christmas.

So last Thursday, I knew the majority of my hair would be gone in 24 hours. My son-in-law gave me a mohawk, and my daughter made it pink, really pink!!  I had to laugh. He told his buddies he was going to do something they would never do in their whole lives. They realized he was right when he told them he was giving his mother-in-law a mohawk! I wore it to work on Friday. I have to thank my bosses and co-workers. They were hugely supportive! That was big for me. Last time, I had my daughter cut it quietly one evening, slipped a scarf on in the morning, and always wore it to work. I would occasionally go to the store or something bald, but never to work.

I got to go camping over the weekend, and by Saturday morning, it was gone.

I added a link to helpful links list. It's for headcovers.com. My daughter found it for me the last time I went through chemo. My favorite scarf, and main reason for sharing the site, is the Melanie scarf. It's all one piece, already tied, and stretchy. It just slips on and off. I highly recommend it. It comes in a lot of different colors. It's very comfortable. Sometimes with plain scarves, they either don't cover what you want them to, or in order to keep them from slipping, you have tie them pretty tight. That always gave me a headache. 

I have to mention 3 very good friends. Angela, I'm so happy for your great check-up news. Jenny....what is there to say...you my dear, are a walking talking miracle! The same goes for you, Miss Melba! 

I got a beautiful gift in the mail last week, from a total stranger. A friend of his sent him to me when she read my blog. (Thank you!)  He too has fought cancer twice, and won the battle. His daughter put together a beautiful cd about his battle, with journal notes, photos, and emails from friends and family. It's beautiful, and inspiring. 

This next week is going to be a tough one. I'll be gone for my annual conference at work. I only have Friday, Monday, and Tuesday morning to get my work done and prepare for presentations at conference, get things here done before I leave, and pack. All of this, right in the first few days after treatment. My canning is caught up, and the kids are taking over for a while. I don't know if you've ever made tomato juice, but this year, I'm loving it. The kids are making the juice and sending it to me. All I had to do was put it in the jar and can it. They tell me they now have a whole new appreciation for all the work I did to can when they were growing up. (hehehehe)  

About the garden, I may have mentioned this before, but it's worth throwing out there again. The first time around, one of the hardest things about the garden during chemo, was not being able to eat my fresh tomatoes. This year, Northern Tropics Greenhouse had white tomato plants. I planned ahead and planted two of them. Now I have low acid tomatoes I can eat, even with a sore mouth. Maybe not the first week, but the second is not bad. In fact, I had enough of them, the kids made a special batch of white tomato juice. I have some to last now into winter. Thank you!

One more thing about tomorrow. I'm hoping I do not get that bad chemical burn at my injection site and up my vein this time. If I do, they will have consider putting a port back in. I really hate to get a port, for what, after tomorrow, will be 4 more treatments. 

Chemo Update

Well, I noticed today my hair is coming out. Cass is coming by Thursday to give me that pink mohawk. I'm thinking that will give me just one day at work with it, and then over the weekend, it should all be gone. It took 2 years to get here. Oh well. In support, my sister colored her platinum blonde to pale pink. It's very pretty, thanks Sis!

They told me the day of chemo, if I noticed my injection site turning red and streaking up my arm, to call and they would get me a prescription for antibiotics. Well, I got that. I thought that meant it was infected, but it turns out, it's actually a chemical burn. Although I'm relieved that's it's not infected, it's pretty scary to realize that the medicine they are pumping through me is causing chemical burns from the inside out. (It kind of reminds of of a little inside joke my daughter and I have about the difference between the "red devil" and "mean green".)

Birthday baa humbug

Well, the chemo is kicking in. Great day for that! Oh well, in the big picture, it's all about having lots of more birthdays, right?

It didn't take long to figure out that it will be a little harder the second time. I'm glad I got everything done I needed to on Saturday morning, because by Saturday night, all I could do was sleep. The sore mouth hit quicker, and my hair is already starting to hurt. It's that feeling you get when you take a pony tail down, but it's always there, until the hair is gone. Tomorrow I'm getting it cut short so it wont be as noticeable as it thins. My plan, is to take the last few days before it's all gone, and turn it into a pink mohawk. Then I can say that one time in my life, I had a mohawk.

Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes. They are appreciated, I apologize for not being so enthusiastic. All I really wanted to do when I got home from work, was lay down and sleep.

I'm back to Indy in the morning, hopefully, for the last time to be "drained".

Chemo plans

I finally got to meet my new chemo doctor today. I like her so much more than the last one. So, this time it will be 6 treatments instead of 8, and they will be 3 weeks apart, instead of 2. Ironically, that comes out about the same, August to December. The last treatment should be December 19. The first is a week from today.

This time around, I will not have the same chemo cocktail. I won't be getting the dreaded "red devil". That one is very dangerous to your heart, so they can only use it once. They will need to use a replacement for it. She said she wanted to change the cocktail anyway, because obviously the last one did not keep the cancer from returning. That makes sense to me. I will not need the nulasta antidote shot the day after now, since I will have 3 weeks to get my blood count back up. I will not need a port either. That's all good news.

I will lose my hair and nails again, but I was prepared for that. I think I'll have Shelly give me a short hair style the day after my first treatment. I know it will be almost 2 weeks to the day when I lose it.

Two things I remember very clearly. Some kind of cold thing, popsicles or ice cream to eat during chemo will help slow down circulation in my mouth and keep it from getting so sore. Chemo lasts several hours, chances are you will need lunch or a snack. Never take your favorite. It will never be your favorite again after eating it during chemo.

Why me?

I know, I'm really behind on this whole blog thing. I guess I've had a bad attitude about the whole cancer thing lately. It's the "Why me?" syndrome. Come on, all you cancer patients out there know exactly what I'm talking about. It's part feeling sorry for yourself, part indifference, and part "I want to kick somebody's ass".

I went back to the doctor today, and was so hoping that there would be no fluid. Actually, I'm down from 12 ccs to 4 ccs, so I'll have to make at least one more visit.

My friend Jenny got some great news. Her cancer has shrunk enough that it is now operable. I know you don't know Jenny, but a battle won is always worth sharing. Positive news is good. Hang in there Jenny, you made it through the hard part, you can do this!

I'm really not bouncing back as quickly this time as last, especially mentally. I'm not looking forward to the chemo, but I still have my scarves, so let's do this thing and get it over with. The police department had a special blood drive myself, and two lovely ladies from the same town. It was a success, and we want to thank everyone for coming out. I got a chance to visit with both of them. Honestly, I was a little taken back by their stories of cancer returning. However, it was good to know some other things to watch for. For instance, everybody knows by now, I really didn't like my first chemo doctor much. I had no desire to go back to him. Nina found out her cancer had returned during her 6 month check up and blood counts. I know now to follow up with that. Kathy's cancer came back in the form of melanoma. One spot she didn't even know was there, her doctor found it. That confirms my thoughts on finding a new dermatologist. Mine would have never found that. He's getting old, and I think senile. He only checks what I tell him about. That's a little scary. Thanks for sharing that time and info with me. Sister warriors are an important part of our battles. Kathy told me, almost knows now when it's coming back. She says she knows when she has an illness that hard to beat, like a cold, or a lot of stress. Stress is something I can so identify with. It is so important to learn to let go what you cant fix.

I had a nice visit with my friend Ann last week. She's another strong woman who has won her battle. She's also in inspiration. She's canning and maintaining a fabulous garden this year.I've met some new friends via my blog, and I wish each of them a triumph.

As a bonus from the blood drive, I got to go to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert last week, and I also got to drive the EVOC course in a squad car. Awesome, fun, I want to do it again!!!!!

I went back to work yesterday. It's like starting a whole new job. My office moved while I was gone. I went from salary to a time clock. My hours changed, my email changed, my address and phone numbers changed, my fax number changed. I had no internet, and no copy machine the first day. (Thanks you so much Jason for your help!) A thoughtful coworker and friend makes a big difference in such a change. Our whole work system and schedule is different. I'm so far behind on emails, and calls, and job inspections. I'm still unpacking my files and supplies, and restoring the lost files on my computer. (Please refer to the "Why me?" syndrome in paragraph 1! lol 

I'll figure it out. I love what I do, no matter what form you put it in. Between the home stress, preparing to start chemo, and going back to work, this song seems appropriate to share. Thanks to my friend Pam, and my baby girl Lacy....

FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!!!!! 
(click to hear)

But I've already had chicken pox!!

Yippy. Who knew I could get chicken pox again? Not me. Apparently it's because of my weakened immune system. It sucks a lot, especially in the middle of the summer. I'm starting to see a pattern. Everything I do seems to happen in sets of two.

This is a good opportunity to remind everyone just how easily a person with a compromised immune system can be effected by illness. Anything from a common cold to chicken pox. Something like a cold can easily become pneumonia.

A lot of people these days do not believe in having their children immunized. I respect that opinion, to a limit. I believe that when you make that choice, you have a social, human responsibility to the weaker among us. The thing that comes to mind here is whooping cough. So many diseases were nearly eliminated by vaccines that there is now a generation who has never seen their impact. If you make that choice, please educate yourself about the disease you decided not to get immunizations for.

That really has nothing to do with my itchy chicken pox, but seemed like an opportune time to throw it out there.

So, I should be able to go back to work before the end of July. The fluid amounts needing to be drained are going down. My first meeting with the chemo doctor will be August 8, which means I'll probably be lucky enough to start chemo right around my birthday. Ironically, that's when I started it last time. I have no idea yet how many treatments I will have. Last time it was 8 treatments, 2 weeks between each.

I will still have the second reconstruction surgery. That can't be done until after my chemo.  I'm feeling a lot better and getting stronger every day. I had planned on taking this week to catch up on lunches with friends. I guess I'll be staying home until I'm not contagious. Oh well, life happens, in sets of two.

August?

Chemo....the middle of August?? Are you kidding me!?

Venting!!

I "strongly dislike" Ball Memorial Hospital, and I.U. Health. In particular, the screwed up billing department. I made a lot of effort to pay off small bills and catch things up or pay ahead before I went off work.

Today I received a collection notice, for a bill I have not received. I called to inquire about it. It seems that they have saved up a number of small bills and instead of mailing them to me, waited until they had a nice big combined number, and sent them directly to collections. WTF!?!?!  Of course, they claimed they mailed them. Of course they did!

Guess what baby, there's no money now. Take a number and step to the back of the line.

Small Progress

I had my weekly visit with the plastic surgeon yesterday. Until my body stops producing it, I have to go weekly and have the excess fluid drained from my back. The goal is to have a smaller number each week. I went from 42 cc last week to 62 cc this week. Bummer. She says not to worry because it's due to me using my right arm and shoulder more, now that the pain is less. Well, that's easy for her to say, she's not the one getting literally stabbed in the back every week! lol  The good news is that there is no longer any dying tissue. That has been an issue, and I've been hoping to get past that point. That's somewhat of a relief. I'm still leery of trusting that. It doesn't look much different to me. She also said that when she does the second surgery, she would remove some of the scar tissue. It reminded me of something I heard while sitting in the waiting room earlier. I heard the nurse's side of a phone conversation with a patient who was worried about scarring. I was thinking, that is a very big difference between those who have plastic surgery for cosmetic reasons, and those who have it as part of a life saving procedure. The scars really aren't that important to me. As long as the cancer is gone, I can deal with the scars.

So tomorrow I go to visit Dr. Schmidt, my breast cancer doctor. This will be my first visit to him since my surgery. We'll see how that goes.

My pet peeve of the day, (yes, I always have one), is fake people. You know what I'm talking about. The ones who try to act caring, even though they really aren't. I believe the old saying, "What goes around comes around".

Unsociable

I haven't posted for a while. I've just been feeling unsociable lately. It happens. I guess I'm kinda stuck in "hermit syndrome" this week. I haven't payed much attention to facebook, or answered emails. I haven't contacted coworkers, friends, or family, not even my kids.

I'm a little frustrated with my slow recovery. I'm frustrated with having to ask for people's help. I'm frustrated with doctors and communications and scheduling, or lack thereof.

Thanks for the Blood Drive

Ouch! I got those drainage tubes removed last week. Now, for several weeks, I'll have to keep returning weekly to the Dr. to have the area of surgery in my right shoulder drained. That hurt a lot, and honestly, I haven't done much but sleep all day. It's still better than having the drains, so I'll just deal with it.

I haven't been on the pc much. It still hurts a lot to use use my right arm very much. It gets a little stronger each day.

I did get a couple of nice surprises today. I thought my paycheck two weeks ago would be the last one until my short term disability kicks in next month. I found out today that I do have a partial check coming tomorrow. I also received this today. Thank you!!  I'm honored to be a part of this, and to share it with Kathy and Nina. I don't really know Kathy, but Nina has been a great support to me. I have a rare blood type, and used to donate all the time, when I still could. I miss being able to help in that way.

"What Can I Do To Help?"

I hear that a lot. I've also said it to others who are sick. I wanted to share some ideas on that subject this morning. I am not specifically asking for help with these things, but sharing ideas that anyone can do to help someone they love in this situation. There are so many small things that we often don't think about, that can make a big difference.

The last time I fought this battle, I drove myself crazy trying to send thank yous and acknowledge all the help I received. This time, I asked for help. I asked someone to pick up some stamps. I asked someone else for a few thank you cards, and my daughter is helping to get them written and sent out.

Often, in situations like mine, there are some pretty strict lifting and reaching restrictions. For instance, I cannot lift more than 5 pounds. That has been a challenge. I've needed help watering my plants. I've relocated a lot of often used items in my kitchen to a level I can reach. I've had to switch to 1/2 gallon jugs of milk or pitchers, so I can lift them alone. Some heavier grocery items may need to be picked up by someone else, like bottled water or cat food.

If your loved one has pets, that can create it's own set of challenges. Walking larger dogs can be painful if they tend to pull on the lead. Bags of food or litter may be too heavy to carry. You can help by taking a turn at walking the dog, refilling a water dish, or helping with the litter box. Things that can be scooped should be put in an easy to reach place.

Driving restrictions are another inconvenience. Calling ahead to see if you can pick something up before visiting can be helpful, or offering to take your loved one to the store.

One thing we often think of in trying to help someone recuperate is food. There are certain things that should be considered. I had someone bring a nice bowl of food, but it was too big for me to lift out of the refrigerator. Small bowls are a better idea. Chemo in particular, often causes thrush in the mouth. Thrush can make your mouth very sensitive to spices, even black pepper. Fresh fruits and vegetables are always a good idea. Tomatoes can also be hard to eat while on chemo, but the yellow tomatoes have less acid and may be easier to eat. Dehydration is always a problem while having chemo treatments, so melon, especially water melon is very good. Again, remember those lifting limitations.

The tendency is to try to get your loved one to eat healthy. It's so hard to explain the nausea to someone who has never been through it. Any food is better than no food. Just accept the weird things they may ask for. Extra nutrition can always come from supplements like Boost or Ensure.

There are so many small things that can mean a lot, like helping someone with their hair, refilling a bird feeder, or weeding a small flower garden.

Both chemo and radiation can be very hard on the skin. Lotions are always helpful, even to men. We sometimes don't think about that. There are so many lotions made specifically for men now. Radiation can cause severe burns, and a nice big aloe plant on hand can be very helpful.

In an effort to help our loved ones, we sometimes forget how fragile they can be at times like these. Immune systems are weaker than ever. My daughter put a box of masks and a bottle of hand sanitizer at my front and back door the last time I went through chemo.

Last but not least, to my fellow warriors, is to let your loved ones help you.

How to Post a Comment

I've had a few people tell me they would like to post a comment, but had some trouble. I got some help from my daughter, and hope this will make it easier.

Go to a specific post, and look for the "Comment as" drop down box. Choose "Anonymous". Type your comment.

 

 Click "Publish". You will need to enter the words in the box to prove you're not a robot, then click "Publish" again.

Good Words

My Own Choices

Good morning all. It's getting a little better each day. It's a beautiful morning. It's raining, but it's beautiful. Our gardens were thirsty. I can still sit on my nice quiet porch and watch the gentle rain.

I slept until 9:30 this morning. That's a first. I talked to the patient navigator at St. John's hospital this morning. That's where I prefer to do my chemo treatments. They are still in the St. Vincent network, but closer to home. I don't mind going to Indy to see my Breast Care doctor. I dearly love Dr. Schmidt. It's well worth the trip. The hematology doctor, not so much. It's very important that you like your doctors, and feel they are on your side. I found the hematology doctor to be very condescending the last time around. He really didn't have time to talk to me. I know he sees a lot of patients, but he forgets what he had discussed with you and what he hasn't. I took someone with me on every trip last time. (Remember, Carolyn taught me, the more ears the better.) When I would ask questions, he would snap at me, "We talked about that". Actually, no we didn't. I have witnesses. And even if we had, chemo causes a fog we all call "chemo brain".  If I have a question, please have enough respect to take time to answer it. I got to the point that I dreaded seeing the doctor more than the treatment itself.

For that reason, I'm choosing another location and hematologist. I'm ready. Let's get this chemo started and keep moving.

Taking advatage of what's available

What a relief! I finally have the last drainage tube out. That feels so much better. The day had a hidden blessing. I thought I had an appointment with the other surgeon tomorrow, to have the stitches taken out. I mentioned that today, and she said "what stitches? Those are all my stitches and they will dissolve."

It seems whoever called from the other Dr. last week and told me I needed to come in tomorrow at 11 was mistaken. It turns out, I do not have an appointment after all, and do not need one.

It's not been easy, but it's what I need to do to survive. A lot of us face some hard times in order to survive. I have a dear friend who knows her cancer is inoperable, but still faces everyday with bravery and determination. I admire her spirit. Some recent issues with another family member have caused me to do a lot of thinking in the last 48 hours. I'm frustrated today with people who are so resistant to medical treatments available to them.

I remember when I was diagnosed the first time. My dear friend Carolyn is a survivor. She has given me some good advise over the past few years. She went with us to our first visit with the Dr. She brought everyone a notebook. She told us, the information can be overwhelming. Everyone in the room will hear something different, and interpret it different. We all took our own notes and later compared them. She was so right. All 4 of us had different notes. If there is one thing I can share with others that will stick with them, this is it. Everyone's cancer is different, but this practice fits everyone. The news itself, and the details of procedures needed can be traumatizing. I believe this doesn't just pertain to cancer, but many other serious health conditions. The more ears, the better.

Another thing I remember from that day, are Dr. Schmidt's words. He told us, medical procedures now advance at a much higher rate than in past decades. For instance, from the 1950s to the 1960s, some advances were made. Now, from the time Carolyn fought cancer, until 1 or 2 years later when my fight began, the advances made could be compared to what took a decade before. This is true for all fields of medicine. With that said, I'm back to the subject of people being resistant to medical procedures.

My grandma Ruth died of kidney cancer in 1991. I didn't know until I began chemo, that she had refused chemo treatments, because she did not want to lose her hair. I have to be honest, I was angry when I learned that. She was a beautician, and had shelves of wigs, wigs she wore all the time. That seems like such a senseless, selfish choice. I know someone else who almost resisted treatment for that same reason last year, a 76 year old man. How vain is that? How many men that age still have a full head of hair? Is that worth dying for? My choice was NO. A similar excuse heard last year, from that same man, was that he didn't have time to be bothered with chemo, because it would prevent him from going to the lakes every weekend. Thankfully, he finally decided to fight, and is now cancer free. I know a woman who has 2 daughters who have both had cancer, one is still fighting it, and refuses to go in for mammograms. Her insurance would pay 100%, but she just doesn't want to be bothered with it.

That family member I mentioned earlier faces a big decision. He has suffered full cardiac arrest, three times now. Twice last year, and once this week. Last year, they either didn't understand what the doctors were telling them, or chose to ignore it. Now that it has happened again, he is refusing the pacemaker because of something he saw his dad go through 30 years ago. The doctors have tried to explain to him how much heart medicine has advanced in 30 years. There is also the "lake issue". Having to take time to get a pacemaker will interfere with lake time.

The majority of my morning rant is over. Life threatening conditions sometimes require life changing decisions. Those are personal decisions, made for personal reasons. Last year, when my Daddy decided not to take the second round of chemo, I respected that decision. He had tried, and fought a good fight. It was more important at that time, for him to be comfortable.

I have an amazing support team, but I owe my life to my my medical team. I thank them all for using the skill and knowledge given to them by the Creator, to help those of us who want to be survivors.

Finally, in a completely unrelated note, another battle is being fought this week. Please say an extra prayer for those in beautiful Colorado. I talked to my son last night. He loves Colorado so, and honestly, so do I. I spent a wonderful vacation there last year. Last night, his words ripped at my heart. "I'm so glad you got to come out here last year, before the whole state burns down."  We have other family being threatened by the Royal Gorge fire. They were preparing to evacuate when we last heard from them.

Pain Meds = Weird Dreams

Pain medicine is a great thing, but it can inspire some weird dreams!

A few nights ago, I was trapped inside a Sam's Club. Not just any Sam's Club, but a very scarey, very purple Sam's Club, in Alexandria, Indiana. It was inside an old factory, and you could only advance to one "department" at a time.

This morning's dream was on the lighter side. I spent a big part of yesterday teasing my little sister about her becoming "Nanna". She got some strange summer flu bug or something. So this morning, I dreamed that Nanna Jenny wasn't really sick, she accidentally got high on her poppy seed dressing!  Sorry Jen, but I woke up laughing so hard I cried.

One down, one to go

I'm getting ready to see the surgeon. I can get the first tube out today. I can hardly wait. I've been thinking about this a lot this week. Actually, it's hard not to since they control every move I make.

I think it's just so barbaric. You would think modern medicine could find a better way. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and an EMT husband to help with the draining and bandaging. I can't image what a struggle this is for a lot of others without those advantages. Thanks to some creative pillow stacking, I did have the best night's sleep yet.

Inner Circle

There is a Cherokee belief that we have 2 names. One, is the name friends, acquaintances, and the rest of the world know us by. The other, our real name, is only known to family and true friends, and closely guarded and protected. It is believed that if our enemies know our name, they can use it to bring curses and bad health upon us. I believe that idea follows through with a lot of other information, including our health itself.

I owe a lot to my loved ones for helping protect that information. I've tried to make my battle a very public one, in the hopes of helping others. However, there are a handful of people I prefer not know the details of my struggles. It helps to protect me from their negative energy. Thank you for helping me protect that. Wado Nvgadawa!

The last few days have been a struggle. I've had some minor complications, that I pray the Creator will help keep minor. I am exhausted, but I still have lots of fighting left to do. Thank you for stopping by and checking on me.     Fight like a Girl

More good news...

I got my pathology report back today. It's more good news. The area they removed was cancer free. That means they got all of in April when they took out the original lump. If the drainage keeps diminishing, I should be able to get the both tubes taken out on Thursday. That will be fantastic! The other healing seems like small stuff compared to these tubes. I HATE them. I want them to go away. That will be a big positive step. Then next Wednesday, they will take my stitches out. Funny, I've had a lot of different surgeries in my life. Getting the stitches out was always a big goal. This time, it seems so secondary.

The hardest part of recovery, is feeling so fragile. That's not a normal thing for me, but I've learned how important it is to just say, No, I can't do that. I know a lot of stubborn people who have battled cancer, and other diseases. I think we sometimes forget, it can be just as important to let those who love us help us. I've been on both sides of that.

Know your limits, delegate, relieve stress, and heal!

Let the healing begin

So I have a lot of catching up to do! But first, I just want to say that mama is doing great! She is very tired, and healing has proven to be hard work, but when she feels good enough, she's been getting up and around & returning phone calls. (Side note on that: if you've been trying to reach her, she's trying... she's still catching up calls to family as she feels like talking.) But I'm impressed. She's one tough lady. That's my mama...inspiring...a symbol of strength and courage. I can't imagine being in her shoes. Now for the catching up... Thursday was post surgery day one. Release day! And of course, she got stuck with a mean nurse. One more reason to will herself into recovery. So, as soon as she could keep some food down, she was on her way home. The nausea came home with her, as should be expected from anyone that has been under a large amount of anesthesia, on pain medicine, and still in extreme pain. Pillows came too. A lot of them. They sent four of them with her, to keep her incisions protected. I can't help but think of shipping fragile items with those little plastic air pillows... Friday was a new day, and one in which I promised to learn how to empty her drains. It was a much harder task than I thought. I remember it from last time she had surgeries. Dad has always taken care of them. The drains themselves, are little flexible bulbs, connected to a tube, that goes inside her body, and curls around, in a spiral, inside the area where she had surgery. She has two of them. One, in the front, and the other in her back. The part of the tube that's inside has holes in it. The suction from the squeezed bulb pulls fluid into the holes and through the tubes. So here is the hard part... to drain them, you have to start right up by the incision, and pinch the tube closed and hold it in place. At the same time, you use your other hand to guide anything in the tube down to the bulb, so you can empty it. The problem is that this process amplifies the suction inside her body. It's extremely painful. That was what got me. The blood, the tubes...okay, I can handle that...but to see how painful it is to empty the drains, it hurt my heart. There's no easy way to do it, no way that is painless, and I think that is something that other people should be aware of. Brace yourself if you ever have this drain, or have to be the person who empties it. Today, I could see that she was exhausted. When I talked to her tonight, I could hear how much pain she was in, in her voice. She hasn't been sleeping well. A few times today, she fell asleep for just a few minutes at a time. (Same yesterday...) She is getting her sleep in broken little bits here and there. She can't get comfortable enough to sleep. Or at least, to sleep well. She's getting sleep, but 30 minutes of sleep at a time will never be equal to a good solid night of sleep. She can only sleep on her left side, but even on her left side, she still has to find something to do with her right arm. It hurts to rest it on her side, but trying to keep it off her surgery sites can lead to tension on them. Sleep is a challenge. I'm impressed with her spirit, and her positive attitude toward this fight. She's even been able to enjoy some time out on the porch since she's been home. Rest and doctors heal the body, but nature has a way of healing the soul, and I know she enjoys spending little bits of time outside. Each day, the nausea is better, and I'm hoping that very soon, her sleep will come easier too. But for now, she's being patient, and coping well. Each day brings signs of healing. Today, her incisions were starting to itch. Her muscle was spasming slightly, adjusting to its new home on her chest. Good signs. Let the healing begin... <3 - Lacy

Post surgery update!

Mama is doing very well. She is so strong, and has handled this process with such grace. It just breaks my heart to see her have to do this, but she is amazing... It has been an emotional day today but I am so proud of her! And so thankful for amazing doctors! The first part of the surgery(removal)took a little over an hour. When the surgeon came out, he told us what a great success it was, and everything went very smoothly. The second part of the surgery(reconstruction)took approximately three hours, and when that surgeon came out, she had a very similar report... everything looks good, everything went great! They said the second part would take 2-3 hours and at two hours, I started checking the "status board" every time her I.D. went across it, waiting anxiously for her to be out of surgery. Finally!!! They didn't even have to ask us to come back to the room where we would see the doctor, we just went! A note about her doctor... He's amazing! I had forgotten, that his office always sends flowers after surgery. Today, they were bright, pretty yellow ones, perfect for someone who is recovering! (And you'll have to forgive me, I'm not a plant person like mama, so I have no idea what they were... daisies maybe?) I'm so happy that everything went well and both parts of the surgery were successful! I will post another update tomorrow, and see if there is anything she wants me to say for her. <3 Lacy

Let's get ready to Rumble!!

Everything's ready, including me. Let's get this over with.


A Warrior's Call

This one is dedicated to the beloved warriors who fought this battle before me, and weren't quite strong enough to win:

My sweet Daddy, Lee Smith
My best friend and Cherokee sister, Becky Fields
My fiery little sister in law, Laura May Cecil
Our own teen angel, Amanda Kay Alfont
And my high school sweetheart, Ricky Gene Brown

No Smoking

I have smoked since I was 14. That's 40 years. I've quit a few times, but not for long. Until now. I quit. None of those cheater e-cigarettes that Shareen uses, but cold turkey, quit!  As it turns out, the nicotine can greatly effect my healing. In fact, it can cause my tissue to die. Why would I go through all of this, and not do anything I can to prevent that?  I will be on some pretty serious pain meds over the next few days, so let me apologize ahead of time to my family for any excessively bitchy attitude I may have!

I had my final visit with the plastic surgeon today. Her part of the surgery will last 2-3 hours. That's after Dr. Schmidt finishes his part of the surgery. That will probably also be about an hour. She used her high tech sharpee to mark me all up, all the places she will be cutting. This is just creepy!

I was excited last night to discover, I have readers from all over the U.S., including Alaska. I even have a reader from Germany. We made a few changes. At the bottom, you will now find an option to subscribe by email. We also added the option to translate. I didn't even know what a widget was, now i have 2! lol

Testing!

Just testing posting!  Hopefully Toni will feel good enough to keep this up and I won't be needed at all!  Doesn't she look pretty!

The Calm Before the Storm

It's almost eerie. Things have been so calm the last few days. Everything is falling into place.

My last day at work before sick leave, was also my last day in that location. While, I'm gone, the whole office is moving to new location. Friday was not only a day to finish things before I leave it to someone else  to do for a while, but a chance to say bye to friends in the building we won't be working with as much. My friends at work had a carry-in for the occasion. Good friends, good food, nice way to end the week.

Friday evening and Saturday morning saw good progress on a family project. There was none of the typical family friction. (Yeah, we ALL have it. You know what I'm talking about!)

All I really wanted to do the last weekend before surgery, was go camping. I've looked forward to that all winter. I failed to realize, that it's also a holiday weekend. Every campground in Indiana was booked. I just decided to make do right here at home, and at least have a fire in the fire pit. Late afternoon I got a call from my best friend. He knew how bad I wanted to camp, and unplug from the world, one time, while I can. He pulled some strings, and found a nice private place for me to camp. I was so excited! I started throwing things in a bag, Randy started throwing the tent and camping gear in the truck, and forty five minutes later, we were setting up the tent! Cowboy coffee in the pot, nice gentle rain that stayed on the outside of the tent, beautiful evening!

Sunday was full of family and friends helping me put together my healing place. My front porch now has benches and comfy seating, and sunshade. It's a special place where I can sit and drink my morning coffee, and watch my latest flowers bloom.

Today was full of helping hands here in the house. I feel truly blessed this day.

Good news for a change

I've been worried about the sonogram results for my arteries and veins. They were afraid the radiation treatment I had 2 years ago may have caused my arteries to harden. That would have made the preferred type of surgery impossible. All is clear, the arteries are ok. Now I know for sure what type of surgery I will have. They will take this muscle from my back, move it around, under my arm, under my skin, to the front, leaving it attached under my arm by the arteries and veins, and then reattach it where they have to take out my pec muscle. I know, right?  It sounds traumatic, but in the bigger picture, it's good news.

Inspirations and Aggravations

Inspirations and aggravations...they both seem to be magnified at times like this.

One of my favorite inspirations came from my brother-in-law. Thank you Charlie Ray! You were right, it has become my theme song, or maybe, my battle cry.


A Warrior's Call

My most recent aggravation would seem like a small thing, but it bothers me more every day. On my way home, or just about anywhere else, I keep passing a Memorial Day flower sale. I understand that it's Memorial week. I mean no disrespect to anyone who has a loved one who has been taken by breast cancer. This particular sale has a bright pink ribbon, right out in front. I have put all negatives thoughts out of my mind. That stupid ribbon sits there waving at me every time I pass it. I love pink ribbons, but it's a grave marker! It's negative. I don't even want to see it. I've weighed my options. I decided the first, to just drive up over the curb and run over it, was not a good idea. So, you will see me taking the long way around.

(A note to my co-contributors; you both have blogs, and know how they work, help me! What settings can you change to help me make sure everyone who wants to can see my posts, and comment, can? Thanks Lacy and Shareen)

So much to do, in so little time!  The ONLY good thing I can say about the second time around, is that I know more what to expect, what to prepare for, and what truly doesn't matter.

There's the paperwork...FMLA, short term disability, presurgery forms, lists and checklists, and double checklists.

Work is going smoothly, but crazy busy. Try writing down everything you do so that someone else can understand it, while still doing your work. Oh yeah, do it all in one week. We've worked out who will do my inspections, what they need to inspect, who they need to report to, and who they might need to contact.

We've worked out who will do my plan reviews, what they need to look for, and who they need to contact. Poor Jason, has to field all my calls, so he needs a contact list, too. We know who will investigate which type of complaint.

A lot of what I planned for and worried about last time, I learned, really doesn't matter. As of Friday, someone else can worry about it all until I get back. I've learned how to delegate.  My only focus is winning this war.

Financially, I didn't have much time to prepare, either. I know I just need to focus on the bills, the minimum amount due, the deadlines, and get that done before I switch over to disability. It's doable, I just need to stay on top of the paperwork. I have learned how important it is to have someone you can count on to help with this. I am blessed to have a lot of help with that.

At home, honestly, nothing is ready. The plan was to clean, organize, get ahead with the flower beds, make a comfortable recuperation space. I'm still working on that. Recuperation space is important. I need a place to relax, be comfortable, move easily through my tiny house. I need things I use the most, in places that are easy to reach. I'm working on my flower gardens, too. It's not as important that it gets done, but I gives me peace to sit and watch the garden. Peace is also important. (But not important enough to ask anyone's help in the flower bed. I still haven't forgiven my sister for pulling up my pretty pink Queen of the Prairie! lol)

Less stress is important. I've talked to all the family and friends I needed to about what they can do to help with that. My filter is broken. I've been painfully honest with them. Camping is important. I spent all winter looking forward to that. Just a tent and a camp fire, and my cowboy coffee pot on the fire will make me happy. I really wanted to camp, just once before the surgery and chemo. That's exactly what I'm going to do. The housework will wait. Hurry up weekend!

Now What?!

Only a cancer survivor can understand this feeling. Once you've had it, everything worries you. Once you've had it twice, even the simplest things can cause a panic. I had one of those today. Well, it actually started last night.

Yesterday evening, I got a terrible cramp in my left arm. Not the right, where I know there is cancer close by, but the left. When I realized I had a lump in that area of my arm, my immediate first thought was a lymph node. I took a deep breath and calmed myself down. It must just be some kind of insect bite, spider probably. I did work in my flower bed for a little while when I got home. That must be it. It will be better in the morning. And it was. Whew, that was a relief.

That is until this afternoon when I realized my left arm was red, and hot, and I had streaks working their way up my arm. This can't be good. Still trying to put the big C in the back of my mind, I decided it has to be a bite. Then I thought about a conversation with a dear friend yesterday who is still struggling with the results of a brown recluse spider bite. That is the last thing I need right before surgery. So I went to see the Dr.

Good news, she says it's not more cancer, and it's not a bite. Wait...then what IS it? It seems I now have an infection in my vein from my IV two weeks ago, the one they used for my MRI and PET scan. So now I have antibiotics for it. I really don't understand. How does this happen? They swab your arm, and use a sterile IV, so how does it get infected?

Decisions...Decisions

Wow! Lots of things to think about this week.

I met with the plastic surgeon last week. It turns out that this is much more complicated than I ever dreamed it would be. Don't let anyone compare your mastectomy to cosmetic implants. It's much more complicated than that. They have to replace the muscle they take out. I guess I knew that, but hadn't given it much thought. 

So, the plan is to take the muscle from my right shoulder blade area, leave it connected with the arteries and veins under my arm, move it, under the skin, around to the front right side, and reattach it. OWWW! Funny thing is, all I kept thinking the whole time she was telling me this, was whether or not I would ever be able to shoot my bow again. So why didn't I ask about that? Because in the bigger scheme of things, it's really not that important. Let's get the cancer out, then I'll worry about silly things like my bow. Maybe it was just easier to focus on at that moment than the trauma of the surgery.

I had to go directly to the hospital for a sonogram under my arm. It turns out that the radiation treatment I had last time, could have caused my arteries to harden. If that's the case, this surgery cannot be done. I'm still waiting to hear about that. I hate waiting!

The next life changing decision I have an entire week to make, is whether to get saline or silicone.  Seems like a minuscule thing, but it's not. There is a lot to think about. I'll spare you those details, and just say that I decided to go with saline. Eventually, they all leak. Saline, just absorbs into your body, and basically, my right side will deflate. Hmmm, I can hardly wait. Silicone, has to be checked, with an MRI every few years, to be sure it hasn't leaked. My reasoning is, I'm close to retirement age. Do I really want to keep going back and paying for even my co-pay portion of an MRI? I don't think so. Alright, saline it is. 

Or not. More decisions. A friend who very recently lost his wife to breast cancer asked me to reconsider any form of implant.  She had one, years ago. When her cancer returned, they did not see it until it had spread too far. They didn't see it because it was hidden behind the implant. What!? Now why the hell didn't anyone else tell me that! I did some research, and apparently, that happens more often than most people realize. This is important information. I thought I had this all figured out. Now what do I do? Where's my owner's manual?
 

Surgery date set

So today, I got some good news. It has not spread to any other areas. Everything else is clear. Nothing on the left side. My lungs, liver and bones are clear. No lymph nodes are affected. Thank you Jesus!

It looks like my surgery will be May 29, then chemo. Things are falling into place at work, which helps tremendously to not have that worry.

I was thinking this time about the differences from last time. Every person is different, and apparently, every occurrence is different. They told me today, that this is not even the same kind of breast cancer I had last time. Who new there were different kinds? Not me. It seems funny that this time, the word Mastectomy doesn't bother me at all. (Just get rid of it, I don't care what you call it!) The first time, I remember the paperwork calling it a "dissection". THAT upset me, a lot. I kept thinking...dissection....I did that in 5th grade science class with frogs and grasshoppers....you don't dissect people. I wonder if the medical world realizes what effect such seemingly small things have on real people.

I got home today to find a special gift in my mail box. My native sister Linda has made a beautiful set of beaded pink ribbon earrings for me.  I'm going to wear them to every chemo. Thank you! I had already started on my new pow wow regalia, with pink ribbons. These will look beautiful with them. (And yes, I plan to pow wow this fall.)

Gloves on, Round 2!!

Gloves on, Round 2!!

Damn it! I did this once, I should not have to do it again. I knew it wasn't good when they told me Dr. Schmidt wanted to talk to me. Technically, they call it a "treatment failure". I've used a lot of other words for it this week.


I have to do the chemo again, and this time, a complete mastectomy. I wish now, I had done that the first time. It was a small spot, and I don't remember them even discussing that option. Maybe they did and I just forgot. Friday, I go for the MRI and PET scan. As soon as we get those results, they will decide whether to do the chemo or surgery first. They said if they find anything at all on the left side, they will do a double mastectomy. "Total Mastectomy and Immediate Reconstruction"  I won't even really know what all that means until I meet with the plastic surgeon. I'm resisting the internet pics. I really just want them to hurry and do whatever is next. I've never been a patient person.

My morning routine has changed. It begins now with thanking the Creator in advance for helping me beat it this time for good.

I've had a lot of support, for which I am very thankful. Sometimes, though, even that is hard. At work, for instance, there has been a constant flow of people stepping in the office to say hello, and give me a hug. I wouldn't want to change that, I'm thankful for every hug. It does, however, tend to keep me in a constant emotional state.

And then, there are those people with really good intentions,who just don't think before they speak. I've had 3 people this week tell me about someone they knew, who had it come back, and died. DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN, TO ANYONE FACING CANCER!!!!!!! What were you thinking????